A Lawyer’s Tale by R. Bentz Kirby
How Jesus Came to Live in Egypt
"Granddaddy, will you tell us a story about Jesus again." It was Christmas and my grandchildren wanted to hear the Christmas story. But, being a lawyer, I believed it was more important to help them understand the beginnings of Jesus’ career as a lawyer. You know, a lot of people don’t understand that Jesus was trained in the law or what his motivation was for getting into the field. Think about it yourself, aren’t there several stories in the Bible about the Lawyers asking him questions. I mean a lot of the Gospels is more like law school with all the trick questions and everything, aren’t they?
Anyway, I received a lot of the these stories about Jesus and his law career from my Great-Uncle. He was something something degree Mason and claimed these stories are all true. Me, I don’t care, I just want my Grandchildren to understand the importance of lawyers throughout civilizations, which really occurred once there were laws. And to have laws, we had to have lawyers to write them, and interpret them.
So, this is the story I told them.
"Well, gather round and I will tell you a story while the lights twinkle on our tree and the fire dances in the fireplace. Your stockings will soon be full there on the hearth and you have heard the story of Jesus’ birth so many times. I will tell you how Jesus actually went to Egypt and why. You see, it is all about the laws and the lawyers.
"Well, you have already heard about the angels appearing from another dimension when God temporarily suspended the laws of physics, and all the songs and stuff they sang and everybody running down to the manger scene and all. But, nobody ever tells you what happened with everyone left. See, it was about a year or two later when the three "wise" men showed up. Now, these guys weren’t so wise really, they were astrologers who happened to get lucky. Plus the chart one of them drew up told them about possibility they could get the winning lottery numbers from Bethlehem if they could find a baby living in a stable.
"So, they packed up their best stuff and headed to Bethlehem as fast as they could go. I mean, their camels were like breaking down on them and they had to buy new mounts twice on the trip from Babylon to Bethlehem. So, when they got there Jesus, Mary and Joseph were still living in the stable behind the Inn. So, they got there and asked Jesus for his favorite numbers. Jesus already knew all his numbers cause he was like really smart and all and he gave them the numbers he liked. But, it turned out he held back on the powerball number. So, even though the "wise guys" won a lot of money, they missed the powerball. And, you know how wise guys are. One of them wanted to burn down the stable and make it look like an accident. The second wanted to go back and tell Herod where they were hiding out and let the King waste them for the Wise Guys. But, the third one was way way smarter. He really was wise. He had seen some food stamp vouchers and AFDC check slips in Mary’s bag. And, even though Joseph was a carpenter, he noticed Joseph had no calluses or the like on his hands. He figured, quite correctly, they were on welfare. So, he pulled the trigger on the situation and they went down to the Bethlehem DSS and filed a report of possible welfare fraud. And, depending upon your point of view, they were right.
So, in December of 3 BC a DSS caseworker appeared right at the door of the stable at a time of day when Joseph should have been shaving a piece of wood with a plane. And, guess what, he was sitting there in the stable eating a grilled WIC cheese sandwich. Jesus was really pleased to have the visitor and asked her if she wanted to go to his Father’s house in Jerusalem (or Tel Salem as some called it.). This was confusing, but the caseworker bored in on her agenda. Why were they on welfare if the father was living in the house? Now this was embarrassing to Joseph who had just been busted, but he tried to explain.
" ‘ Look, I am not the father. We were engaged and all, but she was a virgin and she just spontaneously conceived this child. An angel came and told me that I should take care of her cause Jesus was like a son of god or something.’"
"‘ So, are you willing to take a paternity test?’" she asked.
"‘A paternity test to find out if you are the father.’"
"‘ Oh, please, I just told you what happened.’"
She got pretty much the same story from Mary about an Angel coming and telling her she was going to give birth to the Son of God and stuff and his cousin John was going to be his limo driver. Mary claimed the next day, she was still a virgin, but she went down to the local drug store, got an EPT and it was positive. So, she claimed there was no welfare fraud, but Joseph stayed home cause if he didn’t Jesus would turn the water in the trough to wine and all the animals would be all crunk up in the stable.
Needless to say, the next day the caseworker was back with a summons and complaint to show cause why DSS should not take custody of the boy child Jesus. There also was a brief paragraph about DNA sampling from Mary, Joseph and Jesus to determine who was the parent.
That night, about 2 AM, a small rip occurred in the space time continuum and God suddenly appeared in the stable. He looked a little nervous, but otherwise pretty calm and collected. ‘Look,’ he said to Joseph, ‘I’m sorry about getting you into this, but you haven’t had to work in three years.’ Joseph nodded his head. ‘So, here’s the deal, Joshua bar Joseph (Jesus’ real name) is going to be the greatest lawyer in the history of the world. He will forever change the law and will bring into the world the concept of grace instead of strict application of the law. Now, I gave him some magic powers to keep him occupied.’
‘And it’s a good thing’, said Mary, ‘Jesus has already memorized Black’s Law Dictionary and written "The Common Law"’ but I don’t know why he used the name Oliver Wendell Holmes.’
"Ok, ok,’ said God. ‘Look, the best law school is in Alexandria, Egypt and we can’t let the DSS run a DNA test or else they will see that there is only one parent’s DNA. So, I actually arranged this through the Wise Guys to get you down to Alexandria."
Needless to say, Mary and Joseph were not happy to hear they had to move. But, on the other hand the stable was getting a little boring. Jesus on the other hand was pumped. ‘While I am there, I am going to write "Prosser on Torts" and some other books and send them to America with the Vikings."
Mary and Joseph weren’t sure what to think, but God smiled a proud parental smile. ‘OK,’ said God, ‘I am going to arrange a ride for you with some of my peeps and you are out of here.’
The next morning, no one showed at Family Court. So, DSS filed a kidnaping charge against Mary and Joseph and closed their case. Meanwhile, on the way to Egypt Jesus kept turning the camel drivers' water into wine and they would party down on some dates and wine and hang out with the camels and told stories that Jesus really should not have known.
"And, that my grandchildren is how Jesus came to be in Egypt. At least, according to my Great-Uncle."
R. Bentz Kirby
December 26, 2006